Well folks, it is that time of the extension again, the “only a few days left and then what?’ time of the extension to stay here in the country. Wheee! A thrill a minute here! Last time  (back in July), I was so stressed I couldn’t talk to anybody, I could barely breath. I made up this story in my head that I would be pushing a shopping cart with all my possessions around Muelheim, penniless, a bum. And then I bought into my own story, made it a possible reality and voila! instant MEGA STRESS! I got my extension anyway by coming up with a praktikum (internship) at the last moment.  This time is a little different, no promise of anything, nobody is hiring (at least not me!) and not sure if I remember how it feels to have money I made from working anymore because  it’s been so long since I have done this.

So what in the hell to do this time? Stress again until my hair falls out and I am totally useless? I decided not to this time. I decided this time was going to be different. I can’t do much more stressing, it is not very productive and takes a terrible toll on the mind and body. What Susanne and I have been doing is listening to Jennifer Hough non-stop (I talked about her in the Road Map of Miracles). She had been a BIG reason I am still here and not some insane, over-coffee’d monster. Through listening to her coaching with others, I have been successful in keeping the drama at bay. And I can do some goooooood drama! A lot of it comes from childhood, honed by many years of dedicated practice. The OH MY GOD!!! channel on life tv and the “I CAN’T DO THAT! NETWORK”, a very popular one, I used to watch that one all the time.

I have been self coaching myself (and Susanne has been another HUGE help with coaching also) through the last several weeks. I am finally getting it, how to turn off the drama channel and get back into a positive mental state. Back into what Jennifer calls “the miracle zone”. I gotta tell ya, it has been much smoother this time. Sure, I have my moments where I think all hope is lost and I am destined to wander around in destitutional vagrancy (my own  made up word) for the rest of my life, but now those moments don’t last long, there are less of them and I am able to flip  around much quicker. I can step outside of the mind chatter, look at it and know that is my conditioned mind taking control.

What happens now? For starters, I got another 3 month extension while we wait on paperwork. I am not at liberty to say how at the moment (yes, it’s totally legal), but it involves both Susanne and I and I will be able to get a work permit as well as a real permit to stay. I just found out yesterday and got my extension today. I can’t tell you how relieved I am, even though I don’t have work yet, this makes things a bit easier. One step at a time. What a heck of time too, it’s like giving birth to a new me through being in labor for three weeks. I can’t thank Jennifer enough for her work with Quantum living, I don’t know how I would have made such a radical change in so short of time and it is needed if we are going to succeed in this endeavor of moving to another country without a real plan.

The other day I finished my photoshop tutorial, Design an Epic fantasy Scene, I really like this one, I wanted some new inspirational thing to keep me going. It has a quote from James Cook, I find it very fitting for us; “Do just once what others say you can’t do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again”.

This morning, while down in the storage room in the celler rooting around for my mukluks and the harness for the sled dogs, I thought to my self, “What in the hell am I doing here?” Back in Ft. Lauderdale it is 88 degrees with a low of 79. Here it is about 50 or so degrees, to me it feels like one step away from snow after spending the last 4 years in Florida. It has been gray for a number of days, the floor is cold, I have wool blankets on the bed already and fall has just started.

It feels like upstate NY, where I grew up, when I go out now days. And I have to go out,there is no supermarket in my living room. It’s kind of like sticking your hands in the luke warm dishwater to fish out the spoons on the bottom. You can’t see but you can feel the peas, noodles, loch ness monster, whatever floating around in the depths of the grimy water. So you make your best yuck face and plunge your hand into the murk. That’s what I feel like when I go out into the cold grey weather, plunging myself into the murk. I knew that it would be cold here but thinking about it in sunny warm Florida is one thing, actually living in it is something else.

So now it’s winter here, I still have no job yet, down to my last hundred dollars in the bank in US and soon that will be gone. Susanne is paying rent and buying the food now and the train tickets. My three month extension is almost up, so I gotta find work soon but I will not put my energy into imagining what can happen if the extension runs out and I have to leave the country with no money! I managed to pull off two possible jobs at the last moment to get the extension in July, unfortunately neither worked out to be anything. So here we go again. I am trying to get my money out of my 401k from FedEx, but it is not easy, especially when the new contact information I sent them (human resources) never got entered on my account and emails never answered. I will have to call Vanguard and beg to get the money out and into the bank, it’s not a whole lot but enough to give me a little breathing room for a month and since I cannot roll it into my Roth, might as well use it. So yea, it is another fine dreary day and I am feeling pissy.

I know the job will come soon, I have my motion graphics reel almost done and I can replace the 4 not so good clips I have up on my site now and I have business cards now but getting the “no’s” out of the way to get to the “yes” is workin’ my last nerve! I am bucking the odds here being older than your average student and trying to get a job in a country where they encourage women to retire at 40. To me,that is pure bullshit.  I am just getting going with a new career, I certainly don’t feel like I am supposed to retire, in fact just the opposite! I feel more alive than I have felt in years. I loved being back in school and being in Florida, now I am in another country living a new life with a plethora of new experiences. I LOVE doing motion graphics and compositing, making digital art. There is so much to do, I’m not going to let anybody tell me I need to be put put to pasture. HELL NO! In fact, once I get working I want to get another set of free weights and start pumping iron again! On of my favorite actresses, Mae West, lifted weights well into her 80’s. Helps with keeping strong bones and I love having muscles.

Wow, I don’t feel so pissy anymore, I feel a little charged up, ya know? (I am playing the first tune off of my disco page, Good Good Feeling, oh yea, feeling better now!) Being here has been a challenge, not easy but still well worth the effort. Susanne and I did it the way “your not supposed to do it”. Moving without any real plan other than wanting to go. If I were to post something about this on one of those expat sites they would eat me alive, tell me that I was supposed to have researched this or that (like I don’t know this?), made plans in advance, called me stupid, yatta-yatta-yatta. Yea, so what? I am not everybody, where is the adventure in being like everybody else?

This will work out, the journey is pretty damn exciting and growing to meet the challenges along the way is even better. To me that is what I am here to do, create my art, push myself beyond what I “think” I can do, go explore my world and in some way contribute to humanity.

Well enough for this post and being pissy, I gotta find the hunting socks and see if the parka still fits!